Standing here screaming

Sometimes people annoy me. Other times I am stuck in a really funny situation. All in all, I just got to share it!

Monday, January 30, 2006

and then they move away

I know this post may seem a bit sad but it is just something I was thinking about. Throughout every stage in my life, like most people, there is someone that I am very close with. A "best" friend we can call it. Although at this point in my life we don't say to each other "wanna be my best friend?" In my head the person who I am closest with at that point, by definition, is my "best" friend. For as long as I could remember this particular "best" friend for me has constantly changed. Whether it is because the summer was over and we all went back to our own homes or because the year in Israel was over and we all scattered all over the country or world, keeping in touch never lasted very long. I think it all began when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. There was a girl who lived down the block from me and we would play together almost every day. Whether she would come to my house or I would come to hers. It started off small. She moved across town. She still went to my shul and we still played together but suddenly she had more friends and they would be at her house when I came over too. This was okay, I figured, the more the merrier. It gave us more back-up dancers when making up dances to Paula Abdul and New kids on the block songs. But then she moved back to Israel (her family were shlichim). The letters were frequent initially and then they kind of just tapered off. It was nice to see her when I was in Israel for the year but our lives were so different, it just wasn't the same. Moving away. This seems to be the recurring theme with my friends. Keeping in touch always works initially but for whatever reasons, time difference, different schedules, it stops working after a while. Fast forward to my year in Israel. There were a few girls that I was very close with. One who I spent most of my time with. We never really did anything without seeing if the other wanted to join. We consulted eachother about all our life issues of the moment and our other friends joked around that we were "married." Of course it was a known fact that this friend planned to stay in Israel after our year and eventaully make aliyah. She was not someone that decided this halfway into the year. She had known this since she was a little girl, so this was a definite. The year came to an end and we said our sad goodbyes. She bought me a siddur with a beautiful letter inscribed on the front page. We called eachother, we emailed. It was working, we were actually keeping in touch. Every time she came to America to visit her family we got together. I slept over her house a couple of times, we got together for dinner in the city. This still happens but we don't really speak as much and of course it isn't the same. She has her life and I have mine and we really don't know the details of each. Once a year now when we meet for that occasional dinner or coffee we try to fill in the blanks but like I said, it could never be the same. Finally, since I got married we have been involved in a wonderful minyan. Everyone is young, either single or newly married. We immediately got a close group of friends. We constantly went out on Saturday nights and ate over at eachother's houses on Shabbos. I talked on the phone often with one particular woman. It was so exciting when she told me she was pregnant! I knew of course, that I was pregnant too. I couldn't tell her yet so it was absolute torture. When I was finally able to tell her it was so great. I was about a month behind her. We talked daily about everything we were going through. "did you get this funny pain? oh!! that's normal!! great!" She was two weeks late to deliver and I was 10 days early so our babies are only two weeks apart. They haven't met eachother yet though because shortly before she gave birth, her and her husband moved to her parent's basement in Monsey. That's not so far so you'd think we would keep in touch right? I haven't spoken to her since erev Yom Kippur. I've got to start wondering why this keeps happening to me. Why do my close friends keep moving away? The saddest part is the community we live in is kind of a drifter community. None of our friends plan to stay. They either plan to make Aliyah in a few years or can't afford to buy a house here and plan to do so in another state. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it to even get close to people that I am just going to have to say goodbye to shortly.
I think I will call my friend (the one with the baby) and make a rule that no matter what we need to speak to eachother once a month. There is no time difference so we can make it work right? I hope so.

15 Comments:

  • At 6:51 AM, Blogger Pragmatician said…

    I'm terrible at keeping friendships, if the effort doesn't come from the other side, we lose touch.
    Today I regret I didn't make more of an effort but making new friends has it's own merits.

     
  • At 7:01 AM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    That is true but when I think about it I still get a little sad when thinking about some old friendships and how close we were.

     
  • At 3:50 PM, Blogger MUST Gum Addict said…

    Life changes us. I have some friends who were once my only source of human interaction, yet I don't even know where they live these days.

    My wife actually is in a very similar situation as you. One of her best friends moved to Monsey. But they speak every Friday to wish eachother good shabbos. It is a chance for them to spend just a quick few moments to chat, and I believe their friendship is still very strong.

     
  • At 1:23 AM, Blogger chavaleh said…

    "Understand that friends come and go, but for a precious few you should hold on to."

    I know exactly what you mean, and its hard. I can't describe how many friends I've had that I once used to be really close with, but now hardly ever see or speak to.

    We can't remain close friends with everyone who has ever entered our lives. Sometimes life just goes on, and you recognize that you're no longer in the same place and that's it.

    I think the trick is just to recognize which friends are the ones you need to "hold on to".

     
  • At 1:58 AM, Blogger MC Aryeh said…

    I have been very lucky to have formed some very deep and lasting friendships over the years. Many of my friends I speak to often, even if they are across the world. Others, I hardly ever see or speak to, but still feel close to, and when we do see each other, we can pick right up where we left off, It takes a lot of work though...some friendships are just worth it,,,,

     
  • At 1:10 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    must- that's a good idea the every shabbos thing. I'd be afraid to break it one week though. And, I can't do it with everyone!
    chaveleh- sometimes it's hard to even hold on to those.
    MC- yeah, it's true we do pick up right where we have left off. But, I still get nostalgic of the times we spent together on a daily basis and things like that. I haven't lost touch completely with everyone, just some.

     
  • At 1:34 PM, Blogger JTopo said…

    WAHHHH- I wrote a whole long comment to this- whyyyy isn't it here?

     
  • At 2:17 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    oy jame I'm sorry. Just to tell you I was going to write a whole thing in my American Idol post about us singing kareoke at six flags to like a prayer and how we were so good, and all the concerts we had in our old apartment...well more you than me...to mariah! But, I didn't know if you wanted me to embaress you like that :P

     
  • At 6:55 AM, Blogger Scraps said…

    I've had friends like that. Sometimes we've even stayed in touch for a couple of years, but in the end we always end up drifting away. Often it was because I'd just give up, since I was the only one putting real effort into the relationship, because I needed it more. Living all the way out in Montana, I needed to stay in touch with my friends to keep me sane, but they were all living in major Jewish areas like New York and Chicago and so on, and they had friends right there with them so they didn't need me so much. After a while I'd just get tired of trying to keep a closeness in those relationships that just wasn't there anymore, so I'd stop. But it still hurt. And it still does.

     
  • At 12:54 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    wow scraps, that sounds really hard. Sorry you have to go through that.

     
  • At 10:20 PM, Blogger Stacey said…

    People come into and out of our lives and life is so busy that often it is just hard to keep in touch. I empathize with you.

     
  • At 7:42 PM, Blogger Ayelet said…

    Ugh. Tell me about it. That's how I got to my present lonely friendless state. So sad. I'm so bad at staying in touch. I have one friend from high school that I still speak to periodically even though, oddly, we weren't that close in school. We just kind of know eachother since we were kids. And then there's one friend who upped and moved to NOLA and who I ache to be with every time I think of her or talk to her. **sigh** the sad thing is, it's probably all my fault.

     
  • At 1:46 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    so if you're not leaving KGH anytime soon, you got me :)

     
  • At 4:44 PM, Blogger Ayelet said…

    You mean it? You would really be my friend? Gosh, I'm really touched. Although, about not moving from KGH...I can't promise. Why? Do you own a house here?

     
  • At 5:12 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    No but we own an apt and for now we are here for a while and if not in this apartment, we will live in Queens. And yeah, I mean it, we're friends! :)

     

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